'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

Life is pretty good recently, all after I changed my job. This really proved that people does matter. Working with someone you don't like or even hate is really a torture, and I am so glad that I finally did changed my jobs, though I need to go through all the hauls. But at least everything is right on track now, it's within my plan, and for this I am really happy and proud of myself.

New job did put up some challenges for me. For example, to speak English, fluently. But it's okay, that's part of the reasons I decided to come Singapore, to improve my English speaking ability. I always feel that my speaking ability is so poor, so hopefully by changing to a new environment will be able to train how I speak and rephrase my sentences. 

To wear more formal and presentable is also another challenges I found. I mean I am not those who will put on make up and mascara etc etc on my face, don't even mention sunblock and etc. Ever since I changed my job, I started to put on SOME make up, and a little of lipstick, since my lips has bare color, which makes me look pale. But, I gave up putting make up, like 2 weeks ago? I mean I still put on lipstick but that's all. HAHA. I just don't like to put make up on my face. =X

Actually current job do give me a certain level of stress, in a good way. The feeling of inferior when everyone seems like they know everything. Though our life is a continuous learning journey, nevertheless I still feel a bit panicked when I saw how good other is. I want to be good, I want to improve, that's what I want now and this is very different from the previous job, where all I afraid was getting scold. 

2016 is ending soon, how time flies. This year has been so-so to me as of now. I can't say that it is entirely good because its not good at all, but I can't say it's bad, after all I got a job I wanted. The good part is that I am able to get a better job and the bad part is. Yeah. A lot, which I am still taking it in bits by bits. Relationships are always pretty tough to me and always put me in a very depressed situation. Sigh. 

Next destination will be CAMBODIA. Oh my god. I still can't believe that I went to Boracay this year, with all the games that challenged and freaked me out. I felt that I started to afraid of height and also seas now. I don't know how this will affect my sky-diving plan and etc. But for now I really can't take the height and sea. 

To-DO before 2016, hopefully:
; A short run
; Yoga
; Better stamina

I used to listen and love this song so much, and whenever I feel so upset about you, it reminds me of this song, again and again.

"Turn down the lights 
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me 
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something that it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't"

你，好不好?

六月，2016 踏入下半年的前奏。

2016我想完成的，好像什么都还没完成。

在这里工作将近11个月，一路走来真的一点都不容易·。

渐渐的，以为11个月了，开始可以有比较稳定的步伐了，可这真的是以为。

现在的生活还是感觉一团糟。真的是一团糟。真的好不踏实。

我不懂自己现在当下是什么感觉，好像什么感觉都没了。还是自己也变坚强了？觉得与其坐以待毙，不如先发制人？

最近真的在想想自己是怎样的人。我是个怎样的人了？

1. 完美主义者？从别人口中得知，我是完美主义者，连生活都想把它完美化，可那是生活啊，不完美才是完美啊。

2. 平衡点。我是一个做事很喜欢有平衡点的人。什么都是刚好。不多也不少。而通常这个点不是旁人能明白或了解。可我就是有这所谓的平衡点。东西放在心里的秤上，需要平衡，多那么的一点点或少那么的一点点，都不行。而所谓平衡的感觉，就是舒服，一旦选上了，就不换。打死都不换。

3. 举棋不定，拿捏不定。原因多半因为 2。

4. 我很怕亏欠别人，陌生人，朋友，好朋友，家人。世界上别人可以亏欠我，可我不能亏欠人。

生活出了问题。工作出了问题。感情出了本来就不可能存在的问题。

今天和小学同学见面了，才感觉，人都会变啊。每个人都在努力奋斗啊。

我是时候睡觉了。

我很想躲进属于我自己的洞洞然后冬眠啊。

冬眠去。

P/S: 对我而言，你好珍贵。常常我都会误以为你或许是喜欢我的，只是你或许不想或没发现。可说穿了，那只是为你和为自己找借口。说穿了，是我自己放不下，我放不下，放不下为什么我们的相处，感觉上好像有什么，·但实际上，什么都不是？为什么我们那么的有默契，可什么都不是？

命运

最近经济不好，公司最终发出了紧急讯息 - 裁员。这应该是我第一次听说审计公司裁员，原来审计也不是铁饭碗。

老实说，我是其中一个。当公司的枪头射下来时，其实要怎么避也避不开。逃得了第一次，不能保证也逃得了下一次。只是这次得风真的吹得有点突然，真的来的有点让人错所不及和毫无预警，尤其身在自己的组，任何得风声都封锁在上头。

怎样说呢？原来是因为老板收购失败，造成原本准备的人力资源供应的远比需要的多。因为没办法辞退刚请进来的，所以就拿我们这些合约要满的来开刀。我其实真的还蛮幸运的，虽说真的很讨厌组长，可是因为她在老板的眼里也是举足轻重，所以因为她的一句话，我侥幸的，暂时逃过了这劫。也因为她比较喜欢女生，我也很侥幸的被留了下来。可是这也表示，难保下次我会这么容易逃过此劫。

其示刚接到老板的电话时，脑袋真的浮现了百种可能。我要怎样跟家人交代？我该怎么办？老实说，老板是从表现最差的开始下手，那就表示我是表现差之一。可是，他的评估标准也真的很有问题和不公平，让我想起了这段话 “当有人有心致你于死地时，你怎样做也是错的。” 道理和别人对你有偏见一样。我们一年需完成35份工作，一年52星期，也就是说至少每1.5星期要完成一份工作，这真的不合理，因为没有考虑其他因素，像顾客和合不合作，账目整不整齐，难不难等。

这次的错所不及真的是激怒了不少人，看来丢信季就快要吹来了。其实真的很不赞同老板的处理方式，真的真的会激怒人，是因为想辞退人所以辞退，理由是乱掰的。真的很无理。

进到这间公司，与其说我学到了很多学术上的知识和经验，倒不如说，我学到更多的是人和人之间的交际，关系，牵扯，政治等等。真的是在短短的几个月内，学到了人性的善与恶，现实的残忍等。这也让我更加珍惜真心相对的朋友。

看着平时关系良好的同事，很无辜的被裁了，心里真的莫名的复杂。我做的没比他多，他们的表现也不是很差，可是，命运真的就完完全全的不同。其实我不担心自己被裁了，虽说很伤自尊，可是让我更担心的是父母。所以，也因为这次的事件，重新的把我敲醒了。让我想起了当初来这里的初衷，也让我更加要坚持。

今天值得开心的事，就是很可能有机会面试中等公司。希望这机会真的来到是时候。也希望这是个好的机会。

其实最近想想，我不一定要急于把你放下，就让你随时间流去吧。

“一直看到比自己更优秀的人，就表示你在走上坡的路。”

共鸣_默契

今天突然有位好友问起我我的部落格，当下的第一反应是 “咦，部落格，那不是N年前的事了吗？” 和 “咦，她怎么懂我有部落格？” 

可是想想，我还真的是很久很久没记录心情写照了。是不是因为岁月的累积，人也慢慢开始的忽略自己的心情其实有多重要呢？还是说，因为岁月的累积，个人的情感可不是和不应该是第一顺位了？

我不知道。

当初会渐渐的不写部落格，当然最大的原因，是因为懒。和忙。随着年龄渐渐长大，也开始觉得自己的心情应该自己收好，不必公开让全世界知道。可是多亏今天老友的提醒，加上一个人在外生活和自己严重的健忘症，好像是应该开始培养培养写部落格的习惯了。可能是发现时间真的开始流失了，写部落格或许可以让时间放慢些？就像拍照的原理一样。让瞬间永恒。

“在一个房间放满了不同频率的音叉，如果振动其中一个音叉，另外一个和它振动频率相同的音叉也会被引动，后来它被延伸为一个理论，多年来被身边的人不断证实，一个人的思想，情感都带有一定的振动频率，所以会吸引和他振动频率最相近人，事，物。" -----共鸣，resonance 

我很喜欢上面的这段话。最近突然发现，原来我一直都在找一个和我有共鸣和默契的人。突然发现，我原来一直忽略自己的感情。突然发现，我原来是想要这样的另一半。突然发现，他已经走的好远了。突然发现，没有了也失去了。

其实最让我伤心的，是我们之间的默契，对我而言，那是多么重要和难得的共鸣，可对你而言，却什么都不是。我常在想，我们算什么？可是再仔细想想，其实你而言，我们什么都不是。

多么的可悲和可笑。
我站在原地，而你走远了。

如果有朝一日你发现我不在原地了，请不要怪我。
因为当初我是看着你的背影而离去的。


晚安。

My heartache

Oops, I just found out that I have left you since my last birthday. 

I have seriously forgot that I have a blog making it sounds like I used to have a blog.

Nahhhhh, now I am back. Finally I am back.

Seriously, howthehellcaniforgetthatihaveablog? Blame the-no-life-lifestyle. LOL.

Molding in house everyday. Being my mum's driver by helping her to fetch brother and sister.

Being Korean drama queen by non-stop watching drama everyday, oh, and different drama in the same time. 

Ending up all the story-line fighting with each others inside my brain. =______=  

Can't sleep much though having a loooonnnggggggg holiday. 

Maybe cuz getting older and older? LOL. I think so.

Not really enjoying my holiday. I don't know why I am getting more stressed. =.=

Maybe cuz I kept on reminding myself I should utilise my holiday wise but I will ending up procrastinating. 

Should meet up with friends but can't find any of them when scrolling fb.

Hmmmmm, so failed. 

BTW, feel like learning so many things. Makeup, Korea, Camera techniques and...

Other than Korea, all of these need $$$$ and sadly I am lack of it. Sighhhhhhh.

Need to buy makeup thingy if need to learn it. I mean, at least the BASIC one.

Need to buy a DSLR which is currently not allowed by my dad if I want to learn camera techniques.

I mean I have bought the DSLR guidebook, but by merely reading it will be useless if I don't know how to apply them. Sigh.

Currently addicted to quite a few songs, I think I should start to lighten up my blog again by posting my current songs addiction by time to time. Just to keep my blog alive. 

Oh, should too post up some lyrics that I love or used-to-love. 

Okay, here goes my current addiction <3: div="div">

1. 가슴이 시린 게 by 이현 (8eight)

2. Skyscraper by Demi Lovato 

3. No Gain by Xia Junsu

4. Tarantallegra by Xia Junsu

5. Seven Years of Love by Kyun Hyun

6. 이슬을 머금은 나무 by Xia Junsu

7. 널 사랑하겠어 by Jay Park

8. Ring Dong Dong by Shinee

9. Listen by Beyonce

10. Outlaws of Love by Adam Lambert

11. Madworld by Adam Lambert

12. 星愿(I Will) by 张力尹

13. Timeless by 张力尹

14. Sexy, Free and Single by SuJu

15. Superman by Suju

16. 나였으면 by 알렉스 Alex

17. 아프지마 by 보헤미안 (Bohemian)

18. Sorry Sorry Answer by SuJu K.R.Y

19. Haru Haru by Big Bang

20. A Million Roses by Shinee Jong Hyun

I found that I will keep on typing out the songs that I love if I don't stop at 20.

Some of these songs are from drama, some of them are from Immortal Song. 

I know some of these songs are outdated cuz I keep on forgetting the song that I like. =____=

My heartache, only looking at you, not having you with me,

I become used to it like a habit so I didn't even know that it hurts.