And because of these reasons, I felt that I have break through my boundaries.
Now I can manage and handle a certain situation without any concern.
I am no longer getting myself hurt because I have came through those hard times which broke my limits.
The hardest moment that I experienced is during the time when my limits are being broken by the reality.
And the only way that helped me to overcome it is to cry.
I know that shedding tears won't help in solving the problems but only when I tears, I can feel that I am alive, I am a human too.
Only when I cry, I can feel that I am still breathing, I ain't nobody. I am still living in this world. I am still here.
Different people will have different styles or ways in expressing their emotions or feelings.
As for me, only when the things happened which are serious enough to break my limits, I will cry.
I hate what people think of me when I cried. I know that they will treat me as coward. I don't like to be weak. I want to be strong but for so many years, I just failed to do it. Why am I not strong enough?
I don't know since when I did not express or tell or even sit down and have a talk with my friends when I am having a hard time. It made me suffer.
I don't know since when I learnt not to say out what I think and just kept it for myself. I just don't know how to say it out.
Is it because we are growing older and older? Is it the burdens that hanging across our shoulders are getting heavier making us to be silence and ignore the facts? Is it because we have become more and more stupid in expressing ourselves? Is it because our relationships and feelings have become so fragile that we can't talk about it? Is it because it is easier for us to break down when we talk about it and face the reality? Is it because we are growing older and must face the truth that we don't want? I just don't understand. I have just get used to it. I don't like to sound like an idiot or coward.
The whole holiday. I stayed in my house. I did not plan for an outing. I am practicing to be an useless person in home. I know I shouldn't face the computer or laptop or itouch for the whole day. I know I should have planned probably for my holidays. But I just can't make it.
Actually there isn't anything that is so interesting that will catch my attention for the whole day or you can say for the whole holiday. I feel so empty and only those things will help me to distract my attention and feelings. I am just trying to escape from the reality and ignore my feelings because I know when I faced it, I will be shedding tears again and I don't want that happen. I am so lifeless I know.
I have already get used to keep my thought for myself. Therefore, my conversation with friends will only involve exams, transports, homework, assignments and etc.
Actually it doesn't mean that I did not concern or care about them. I mean for those who are closer to me. I know everything that happened to them. I will constantly update what's going on on people who I care. Its just that I have used to keep all my thoughts for myself, therefore, if we really sit down together and have a talk, I don't think I will know how to express my feeling to them. And that made me sounds like an idiot. So, I will remain silence. And maybe because we are getting older and older, there may be a lot of things which are more important than how we feel. Therefore, we may not be able to just sit down and keep on discussing the same topic. Maybe it is only me?
Do you know the feeling of having a hope and suddenly the hope turn into disappointment? I know the feeling and I hate it so much. It hurts a lot.
That's all for today. Sorry for the long nonsense post. =D
Ciao.
